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- For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
- This week, a reader was laid off and feels resentful that his wife doesn't contribute more financially.
- Our columnist suggests that the reader examine his assumptions and have an honest conversation with his wife.
Dear For Love & Money,
Until recently, I was an executive at a tech company, earning a great income. My wife is an artist; she's always pursuing one career or another, trying to maintain a sense of financial independence, but she's never made much money doing it.
Then, I got laid off. Now we're down to just our savings and her income. I'm trying my best to find a new job, but until then, we're relying on her. And while I'm spending every waking minute trying to find work, it seems like she's content making next to nothing while she continues pursuing a career we both know she'll never have.
I am frustrated and resentful. How come she gets to chase this impractical dream when, even now, between jobs, I am the one responsible for keeping the ship afloat?
I wonder if it's a gender thing. I'm a man; therefore, I must provide, and she is a woman, so she doesn't? I feel alone with this burden when I'd really like a partner to help me carry it.
Sincerely,
Lonely Provider
Dear Lonely Provider,
I appreciate your question, and understand that you recently lost your job — something that can be difficult for people not only in terms of financial security but also their sense of achievement and self — and feel unsupported by your wife.
Based on what you've said, though, it sounds like you're discussing this issue with the wrong person; you need to talk to your wife — not only because she's your partner and the only other person with an equal stake in your finances, but also because, as I read your letter, it became increasingly clear that you're assuming a few things, like your wife's motives, the role of gender dynamics, and that her focus is entirely on her personal objectives.
The first assumption you're making is about why your wife is acting the way she is. In your letter, you wrote that she is "trying to maintain a sense of financial independence" and also that she is "content making next to nothing." Which is it? Is she participating in the soul-crushing grind of trying to get her career as an artist to the point of actually paying off? Or is she casually indulging in her hobby while you write the checks?
Until you ask her and really listen to her answer, feeling resentful or frustrated is unfair, because those feelings are a construct of your assumptions. Instead, ask your wife where she sees her career in the next five years, what support she needs to get there, and how she wants to adjust it to fit your current circumstances.
This leads me to the next assumption you're bringing into this dynamic, which is particularly evident in your question: "Is this a gender thing?" My answer to that would be, it very well could be — not necessarily because your wife expects a man to provide for her, but because you're projecting that notion onto her.
Your letter seems to suggest you view her contribution to your family's financial survival as voluntary, while you have no choice. In your words, "Even now, between jobs, I am the one responsible for keeping the ship afloat." However, your wife is also an adult with a credit score, who must eat to survive. While I am sure she's appreciated the freedom your income has given her to pursue her dreams, your job loss has impacted her financial security as much as it has yours. And your feeling that it all needs to fall on you because you're the man in the relationship may reflect more about your gendered preoccupations than her expectations of you — and you'll never know if you don't have a conversation with her.
On the topic of gender, something I noticed was missing from your letter was a recognition of how else your wife spends her time and energy, outside chasing her "impractical dream." Keeping the house clean, making meals, providing childcare if you have kids — these are all forms of labor that cost money if you outsource, and if you don't, it's money in your pocket. Statistically, women do the majority of both mental and physical work involved in these jobs. If your wife is doing this work, it's unfair to frame the way she spends her time and energy as "impractical" and self-focused, and it's important to acknowledge her contributions as valuable.
Speaking of self-focused, this seems to be your third assumption. She could have any number of reasons for remaining focused on her dream job, even as the wheels are spinning off the cart. Maybe she's spent so long chasing this dream that it's all she feels qualified to do. Maybe she understands your financial situation differently than you, and she doesn't think either of you needs to get a new job urgently. Or maybe this is her attempt to frantically try to find new income streams, but she doesn't feel comfortable telling you she's doing so, because she recognizes your contempt toward her career goals — as you said, "a career we both know she'll never have." Trying anything is a vulnerable act because to try is to face potential failure. If your wife no longer feels safe failing in front of you, she won't try things in front of you — not even things like searching for a job.
There's a chance that these assumptions of yours aren't 100% wrong, but until you have a good-faith conversation with your wife and hear her perspective, you're operating off a false premise that isn't fair to the woman you love. Put aside your assumptions and be curious about her thought process, open-minded about what she has to say, and vulnerable about your feelings.
On the topic of gender roles, as a man, you may feel uncomfortable admitting to needing help providing. This is where you have to trust your wife to be the partner you need her to be. Show her the numbers that are worrying you, and collaborate with her on a solution.
I encourage you not to approach the conversation with an adversarial attitude. This doesn't have to be a fight, because it's unlikely that you disagree. Your wife is an adult who understands financial realities — likely more than you think she does. Don't go into your conversation believing you must convince her that having little to no income is a problem. Instead, see your conversation as the meeting of a crisis committee — two people on the same team facing the same threat, who will win or lose together.
Because the thing is, Lonely Provider, you aren't alone. You just need to reach out your hand and bring your wife on the journey with you, instead of assuming she doesn't want to come along.
Rooting for you both,
For Love & Money
An earlier version of this article was originally published in October 2023.
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